I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
