I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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