I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
