life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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