you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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