I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
