someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
