I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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