Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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