They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
