part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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