i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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