Your mouth is God's brothel.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
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he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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