don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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