Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
