oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
