I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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