Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
