I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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