So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
