no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
