I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
