so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
