those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
