I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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