the condom got lost in my hair
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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