I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
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you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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