Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
