My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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