what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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