We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
