I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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