took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
