my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't think brook has ever known best
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
