I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
