Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
