Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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