I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
