Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
