Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
