I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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