Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
