I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
