I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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