What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
