My Higher Power is John Stamos
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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