i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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