my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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