I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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