so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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