all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
