Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
so that wasnt chicken after all
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
