I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
