fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
