please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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