A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
