i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
