i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
