Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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