I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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