He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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